berlin stories - a winter tantrum

the last time i woke up early and could not fall asleep again it was april and i was in love with an english actor. this is a long time ago. i was young. it is forgivable to fall in love with english actors when you are young. that last time it was six o'clock in the morning and i woke up in a tiny blue room with a sea view. since there was nothing else to do, i decided to soothe my anger at waking up at that forsaken time by going for a swim. putting on a bathing suit and getting dressed, i went outside of the cottage. the ocean looked at me like i was looking at it: coolly and decidedly maltempered. a silver sun was up in the sky. all shades of blue, grey and green were making me think that after all, this could become a good day. i went along the coastal trail. the wind played with the towel around my neck. i reached the access point to the beach. a rope was fastened to a wooden post, hanging down the cliff. i abseiled and reached the sand after a short while. whilst the rational side of my being (haha) was trying to convince me that going for a swim in an april ocean in england was a shit idea, there was something inside me that needed a kick in the head (isn't there always). i ran, cold, cold wind rushing by the sides of my body. yelling, screaming, jumping over waves, i stumbled and went under water. it was freezing. my head surfaced, my hair clinging wet to my scalp. it felt as if the second the cold air touched it, it turned into ice. i forced myself to turn around. again i ran, heaving, shivering until i reached my towel which lay on a rock. i wrapped myself into it, rubbed it over my red skin, trying to convince the goose bumps to relax. happiness flooded me and full of expectation i went over to the main house to get a hot cup of tea.

when i woke up today, it was dark. believing it was still night, i tried to fall asleep again, shaking off dream images of strands of my hair coming loose. remembering another time when falling asleep was impossible and expecting that running through görlitzer park would have the same effect as jumping into an ocean i got up. i pushed open the big front door, high as a castle gate and went out onto skalitzer straße. motion greeted me, people swarming into one direction and for an instance i thought i wasn't in berlin. not thinking, i ran. a heavy, heavy dark grey sky was trying to slow me down but i wouldn't let it. görlitzer park was bleak, brown and depressing. tv on the radio in my ears, i was surprised at how wrong the decision to run felt. panting, positively disliking the music (apart maybe from the one song that went "photos of oprah winfrey f**king robots on ebay, 10 dollars, 20 dollars..."), i turned back, pushing against the current of people. i noticed that they were pupils. a winter brigade clad in black and grey and navy blue. keeping my eyes down and my shoulders back, i smelled too much perfume on girls with hand bags and white boots. "if i think they are young, they think i am old", i thought and reached the castle gate, ringing the bell.